Sunday, June 8, 2008

ACME FTS (Model 1) Instruction Manual

Congratulations on the purchase of your brand new FTS (Model 1)! The FTS is designed to bring you a lifetime of pleasure, fulfilling all of your unfulfilled hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Please read these instructions carefully, including all warnings and safety instructions before attempting operation.

WARNINGS: Do not expose the ACME FTS (Model 1) to: smoke, including tobacco, marijuana, car exhaust, church incense, Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water,” or the movies “Smokey and the Bandit” one, two, or three. Do not expose the FTS to extreme heat; extreme cold; or extremists. Do not operate heavy machinery near the FTS; do not allow the FTS to operate any heavy machinery; do not operate on the FTS with heavy machinery. Do not leave the FTS unattended. Do not leave the FTS with a priest. Do not leave the FTS, ever.

Operating Instructions

Swaddling: As human beings are known to loathe freedom of motion, you’ll want to “swaddle” the FTS, restricting its movements (not including bowel movements). To swaddle, follow these instructions for folding a burrito. Do not consume the FTS. CAUTION: The blue (on some models purple) plastic knob in the midsection is the factory installed umbilical nutrient conduit. This conduit was used during assembly to provide your FTS with required nutrients. It is not a carrying handle. Lifting the FTS by this knob could cause serious damage to your unit.

Feeding: The FTS will emit a 120 dB, 2,000 Mhz pulsating tone when its nutrients need replenishment. To stop this pulsating tone, insert a lactating nipple, or a lactating nipple facsimile (see ACME LACTATING NIPPLE FACSIMILE) into the FTS Nutrient Receptacle. CAUTION: Feeding will be immediately followed by unfeeding. (See below) Do not reuse unfeeding byproduct for future feeding; see your local sanitation code for disposal.

a)Through Nutrient Receptacle: Immediately following feeding, FTS will unfeed through Nutrient Receptacle. To minimize unfeeding through Nutrient Receptacle, vent gas (see below). To protect the FTS for future use, be sure to use an authorized ACME UNFEEDING (NUTRIENT RECEPTACLE) PROTECTIVE SHEATH.

b)Through Rear Waste Evacuation System: The FTS will emit a 120 dB, 2005 Mhz pulsating tone (easily distinguished from the Feeding tone) when evacuating waste through the Rear Waste Evacuation System. The ACME Corporation has designed the FTS to evacuate waste in all colors and consistencies for your maximum entertainment. To protect the FTS for future use, be sure to use an authorized ACME UNFEEDING (REAR WASTE EVACUATION SYSTEM) PROTECTIVE SHEATH.

c)Through Forward Waste Evacuation System: The Forward Waste Evacuation System will only be engaged while applying the Acme Unfeeding (Rear Waste Evacuation System) Protective Sheath. Do not be alarmed if the Forward Waste Evacuation System sprays liquid in your face. It is designed for just this purpose.

Venting Gas:
Following feeding, the unit will need to vent gas. This is done by firmly pounding on the unit’s back, loosening air bubbles in its various feeding receptacles. CAUTION: Venting gas rarely works. Improperly vented gas leads to unfeeding.

System Standby Mode: The FTS will spend all hours between Feeding and Unfeeding in a dormant state. CAUTION: Some models have faulty System Standby Modes. If your unit suffers such a defect, it will:

a) Exhibit sounds and facial expressions not associated with Feeding, Unfeeding, or Sleeping. These sounds will include cooing and what appears to be giggling.

b) Emit a a 120 dB, 1995 Mhz pulsating tone (easily distinguished from both the Feeding and Unfeeding tone). Feeding and Unfeeding will not disengage the tone. Attempt to Swaddle, to Vent Gas, or to gently rock until the unit resets. This could take between 3 and 180 minutes.

We hope you enjoy your ACME FTS (Model 1). If you have any questions, feel free to contact our customer service team.


Manager Mom said...

Hee... I wish that I had gotten this instruction manual when I had The Boy. Even being an "experienced" mother after having one, I was still wholly unprepared for the equipment change to the forward waste evacuation system.

And I bet to differ, you absolutely MUST expose FTS to Deep Purple, someday. Both the band AND the cleaning fluid.

Anonymous said...

Your instructions on the swaddle cracked me up - i was the worst swaddler ever and ended up using the sleepsack swaddle from Halo ( makes burrito wrapping a breeze and you don't have to un-burrito-ify them to change the diaper...they hate the unwrap! anything to make life easier i am for! good luck!

Always Home and Uncool said...

I wet myself (damn weak bladder). Too funny and too true. Don't freak - you'll get it yet.