Sunday, September 28, 2008

Well Deserved Abuse for a Mets Fan

I have a friend who happens to be a rabid Phillies fan. Last year, as the Mets began their historic late season collapse, this friend began a tradition of taunting Mets fans by writing snarky baseball haiku. We Mets fans would send our own anti-Phillies haiku back, but in the end, his had more meaning as his team, well, you know, won.

This friend, who I’ll call Joe, because that’s his name, had been strangely silent this year. Until today. Until the exact moment the Mets now trademarked late season collapse was once again complete. (I know history repeats itself, but this is ridiculous!) At the exact moment the game ended – 5:10 p.m. today – Joe unleashed a torrent of tortuous haiku. I post them here for your reading pleasure, or agony. In any case, he’s earned the right. I hate him, but he’s earned the right.

P.S. – The last haiku, which relates to this blog, is inspired.
P.P.S. – The knucklehead in the Mets marketing department who scheduled the “Shea Goodbye” ceremonies for after, rather than before, today’s game should be fired.

HAIKU POEMS FOR THE METS by JOE [NAME REDACTED TO PROTECT JOE’S SAFETY]

BLUE SHIRT SOILED AND TORN
ORANGES BLIGHTED BY FROST
WORTHLESS AS THE METS!

JOHAN AND CARLOS
TWO SANTANAS THAT EXCEL
ONE WILL PLAY THROUGH FALL

BILLY WAGNER PINCHED
AND WHERE DID THAT GET THE METS?
LEAVE BRAD LIDGE ALONE

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK
TREES IN CRIMSON, GOLD, AND BROWN
METS GO TUMBLING DOWN

CENTRAL PARK BENCHES
THE HOME TEAM DUGOUT AT SHEA
BOTH CROWDED WITH BUMS

BRIGHT ORANGE AND BLUE
IT’S THE NEW SIGN FOR CHOKING
IT’S THE NEW YORK METS

MY BASEBALL DIET?
CHEESESTEAKS, BEER, NO BIG APPLES
SO EAT IT METS FANS!

STADIUMS IMPLODE
HOUSE THAT RUTH BUILT AND SHEA FALL
NEW YORK TEAMS COLLAPSE

YOU SPENT BIG MONEY
YOU BRAGGED ABOUT THE NAMES
SO HOW’S THAT WORKIN’?

MAYBE THEY’RE CONFUSED
WITH OFF-SEASON GAMES – IN GOLF
THE LOWEST SCORE WINS

THE METS ARE NEW YORK
YELLOW CABS AND STRANDED MEN
HACK LICENSE ANYONE?

JAMIE MOYER THROWS
FASTBALLS SO SLOW THAT THEY SWING
THREE TIMES ON EACH PITCH

YOUR BULL PEN IS BAD
BATS SILENT AFTER THE SIXTH
TEE BALL NEXT SEASON?

OUR PHANATIC WOULD
KICK THE ASS OF MISTER MET –
NO BODY, ALL HEAD

And one very special poem for The FTF

PITY YOUNG [FTS]
DON’T RAISE HIM AS A METS FAN
THAT’S CHILD ABUSE

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Joe,

These were my favorites ...

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK
TREES IN CRIMSON, GOLD, AND BROWN
METS GO TUMBLING DOWN

CENTRAL PARK BENCHES
THE HOME TEAM DUGOUT AT SHEA
BOTH CROWDED WITH BUMS

BRIGHT ORANGE AND BLUE
IT’S THE NEW SIGN FOR CHOKING
IT’S THE NEW YORK METS

MY BASEBALL DIET?
CHEESESTEAKS, BEER, NO BIG APPLES
SO EAT IT METS FANS!

Brutal!!!

I watched the Mets' last game and couldn't believe how quiet the stadium became in the 9th inning. And then after the loss, a tribute to the history of the team and the end of the stadium which reminded me of the theater of death and cruelty movement that many European filmmakers subscribed to in the mid 1970's. Even I, a life long Phillie fan who in 1980 drank gin like it was mineral water during the entire post game season, felt the intolerable hit in the gut. But once I came to my senses, I realized that the only thing sweeter would be watching the
Dallas Cowboys fizz out exactly the same way. This is the last season in their ball park as well. Can lightning strike twice?

What a delight! Looking forward to and planning my day around listening to WFAN at 1:00 this afternoon!!

Anonymous said...

One more from "Haiku Joe"

SO HOW MANY METS
ARE NEEDED TO CLOSE A GAME?
NINETEEN MINIMUM

GO PHILLIES!!

Always Home and Uncool said...

*Sigh* ... We suck.

Anonymous said...

Since the FTF is a parenting blog, I also had this thought -- once again expressed in haiku:

SO HOW MANY METS
DOES IT TAKE TO PLAY SOME CATCH?
NINETEEN MINIMUM

My advice to the FTF would be to buy him a set of golf clubs instead of METS attire.

"HAIKU JOE"

The FTF said...

Our Phillie fan friends don't seem to be acquainted with the concept of Karma...

Manager Mom said...

Any haiku that contains the phrase "eat it" can't be all that bad.