Proto Junk

The FTM will be the first to admit that she and pregnancy are a bit like high fever and a virus. You can’t deal with one without having to endure the other. But that doesn’t mean you have to like it. And really, who would?

There is (as of this week) a five-pound, human male infant in my wife’s body doing things you wouldn’t want him doing on your couch. For example, the day we found out his gender, the ultrasound nurse said, “Look at that, he’s playing with himself.”

“What?” we said in unison.

“Look,” she said, moving the cursor of her mouse over the blob of ultrasound weather radar that was supposed to be my still-forming son. “His little his hand is moving up and down on his penis.” (I admire health care professionals. They can say “penis” without giggling. I’m giggling just typing this.)

“What?” we said again.

“There, on the screen! He’s a little porn star in the making,” she chuckled.

The FTM, horrified, leaned forward from her perch in the stirrup chair, and I got up and walked to the screen. The nurse was right. The freaking nurse was right. The STS (Second Time Son) had his proto hand firmly around his proto junk, and was going to town. While this may have been valuable as a sort of unofficial paternity test, it wasn’t something I really wanted to see.

On the other hand, it did make me fall to my knees and thank the universe for my Y chromosome.

Even women who are blessed with non-masturbating fetuses still have writhing, burping, gill-breathing, tiny little human beings making nests inside their bellies. It’s like something from a Jack Finney novel. I can’t even imagine.

So when the FTM tells me that she’s uncomfortable, that she can’t sleep, that it hurts to walk, or that she’s just freaked out, I take her at her word. And when I’m exhausted from trying to juggle work, writing, and friends, along with having to bathe the FTS, tuck him in, or take him shopping, I stop for a moment and think of the day of the ultrasound and thank my lucky stars.

And then I thank the FTM, again, for doing all the really heavy lifting.

Next up, The Best Moment.